Oct 10, 2015

I find my self here trying to write out my mind, but often I stop after a few lines deciding its worthless. what i want to write is always on my mind and writing it down won't let me feel better. it might make me feel worse.
for some time now i have been living a life i dont want. I am not happy. I can't even remember the last time i did something that made me feel happy for more than 2 hours. I have come to a point where i understand why people who do drugs do.. and before that i changed my mind about people who commit suicide. I have no idea what to do. how to change this miserable life of mine...if i can call that a life.
i not happy. i am almost afraid all the time. i am afraid because i always think of what could happen..at any time and any where. we are not safe. we are not happy. we have this false feelings that we are safe...that everything is gonna be alright and that maybe because without those feelings we can't live...and thats why i can't live.
I have no goals. I have no motivation. and im not living, but merely surviving until my time ends.

I dont belong. thats the tag of my life. I should get used to it.

I dont want to be a CFO, CEO, Audit Partner, or Auditor for that matter. I don't want to wear suits. I don't like formalities. I don't want to be this man. I am looking for passion. I want to travel.

عارف لما تكون مخنوق لدرجة انك حاسس انك عايز تعيط بس مش عارف.

I am afraid that I am on the verge of breaking down...I fear that at some point I will start thinking about suicide, or drugs. that point is near. I don't know which will come first. to end it all at once seems the most pleasing idea.

اللي عايز يعمل حاجة بيعملها...من غير مبررات..خصوصا لو بعيدة عن الماديات. محتاج بس يلاقي اللي يعملها معاه..سواء غيره او نفسه.





*this post was a draft for some time. it wasn't written all at once.

Oct 4, 2015

I don't like my work. I don't like waking up early, wearing suits, or be another buffalo in the herd. My salary won't get me anything I want. It won't get me a car. A decent car that is. It won't get me an apartment nor will it get me a shack on an isolated beach somewhere.
If I were "normal", the salary won't even cover my expenses every month. I rarely go out and when I do it's 9/10 a local coffee shop where I have 1 coffee, black, and without sugar. I don't buy cloth often because I don't like the shops where someone is trying to force sell you stuff and the other places are expensive. oh, and because I don't go out much I don't really need a lot of cloths.
So why am I still doing working where I do? more importantly, what am I living for? 
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